Farewell (for now)

Scams, sarcasm, and satires aside.

I want to thank Cambodia and all Cambodians for sharing yourself with this undeserving American.  
I could never fully express my gratitude, but this is my frail attempt. 

Everything is surreal. 

I cannot comprehend leaving this place for an unknown period of time.  A one way ticket out of Cambodia feels like a mistake.   But sometimes you just have to step forward, to give of what you have and to openly receive what you have yet to learn. 

This past week, one part of me has tried to drink in every sight of the Kingdom of Wonder.  
Each and every naked baby is a flawless miracle.   

Every street has its own delightful flavor, every vendor her own unexplainable joy. 

I have seen every detail through a hazy lens of perfection.   

Nothing is not beautiful.  Everything is innocent. 

The other half of me is fighting reality, assuming this must be a dream.  I will never truly be able to leave this place that has become a part of my being.   I may leave physically, but I will remain. 

This place, which may appear different to each one of us, is truly a destination for dramatic change, for personal growth, and for evolving perspective.  Maybe you came to make a difference. Maybe you came for the lovely beaches.  Maybe you came to photograph the astonishing beauty that is Angkor.  Maybe you came for cheap booze and ‘happy’ pizza.  Maybe you came to ‘spread the gospel.’ 

None of that matters.  If you allow yourself to open up, to soak in the culture, to truly come to know the people, you will not be able hide from the true wonder that is this place.  You will never question the loyalty and defensiveness many of us 'foreigners' harbor.  You will completely understand why Cambodia is the Kingdom of Wonder.  It will find you, envelop you, and your soul will never be the same.  

In preparation to move to or visit Southeast Asia…(or specifically Phnom Penh, Cambodia)

(This is a satire!!!)

Before departure:

You must acquire the highest quality, highest priced items available, such as…

A water purifier.  There is no clean water and no way to find truly “clean” water.  Never drink the water from any restaurant or vendor on the street.  Amoebas, cholera, parasites, dysentery, they will all attempt to hunt down and attack your pure and innocent imported body. 

A super high-end fancy back pack with all the gadgets.  As there is no transportation, you will obviously be walking everywhere…. 

Which of course leads me to your next priority—some serious hiking boots.  Make sure they are big and heavy and why not throw in some wool socks to keep your feet dry on all those endless hiking excursions. 

Your next purchase must be a large and fully stocked first aid kit.  As there are no uncontaminated medical supplies in your country of destination, you must come prepared for the worst.  You cannot rely on any medical clinics, nurses or doctors in SE Asia as every single one is unhygienic and staffed with “fake” physicians. 

You must, of course, bring an abundant supply of rain gear, as the people here grow up in the rain and are completely oblivious to it.  You will be unable to obtain rain jackets, ponchos, or umbrellas anywhere within the country. 

Other items VITAL to your existence but simply impossible to find outside of the “developed” world:

Insect repellant (unavailable for purchase)

Tank tops & shorts (you will wear 24/7)

Bikinis (you will wear 24/7)

TEVAS & KEENS (you will wear 24/7)

SUNGLASSES (unavailable for purchase)

Upon Arrival:

Keep to yourself, never put yourself out there.  Don’t talk to strangers, foreigner or local.  Everyone is truly out to get you.  They may seem friendly and trustworthy but don’t let your guard down.  They WILL scam you.  They WILL trick you.  They WILL cheat you.  If you appear lost and a stranger asks what you are looking for or what you need, avoid eye contact at ALL COSTS.  If you need to fill up a tire, take every precaution as the boys with the ‘little mechanic shops’ on the side of the road are never trustworthy.  Every last one of them is packing, if you know what I mean. 

Do not attempt to learn the language, even basic greetings and directions.  Not only is everyone fluent in English but you are truly a gift here by allowing people to practice their English.  Actually you are forcing the citizens to learn English in order to acquire and maintain your business.  This is, of course, better for everyone in the long run.  Why would you want to expand your horizons by learning a new language anyway, you are busy enough getting settled. 

My last piece of advice::  Only associate with fellow foreigners, specifically people from your home country.

Cambodia--Rules of the Road

In the Kingdom of Wonder, rules surrounding transportation are unfathomably strict.  The safety of the driver, any passengers, and of course pedestrians is always the main concern. 

Firstly, it is imperative that drivers stay on the correct side of the street and stay within their own lane.  Laws of the road are strongly enforced and infractions such as running a red light or a stop sign, or driving the wrong way on a one way (or driving the wrong way on a two way) are dealt with accordingly.  Anyone choosing to ignore these laws, will face a substantial fine and possibly incarceration, depending on the severity of the circumstance. 

Traffic police are everywhere, and because the city takes such thoroughly excellent care of them and their families, they do an exemplary job of maintaining order, especially within the city of Phnom Penh.  Here, you will never EVER encounter such atrocities as damaged or closed streets, drunk or angry drivers, accidents, overloading, or any form of disrespect on the road. 

Speaking of drunk drivers, any driver not in an obviously aware and clear state of mind will be tested.  If he or she fails to pass the test, the driver’s vehicle will be confiscated, and he or she will be escorted either home or to serve mandatory jail time.  We do not take these issues lightly here in Cambodia.  Anyone disregarding this law will “think before drinking,” smoking, snorting, or injecting in the future. 

Everyone is treated equally.  In the case of an accident, there is a thorough and speedy investigation.  The driver at fault ALWAYS remains at the scene until the issue is resolved.  Compensation is fair and based solely on the fault of the driver, no other conditions affect the result (specifically not the condition of the vehicle or apparent wealth of the individuals involved). 

All vehicles must be in tip top shape to maintain the respect and credibility due the government and the Kingdom.  All vehicles must pass a rigorous emissions test bi-annually.  Air quality is of utmost concern in our progressive Kingdom.  Vehicles must be in working order, specifically working headlights, taillights and brake lights, to ensure safety for everyone.   There is a height and width maximum all vehicles must pass to drive within the city.  Extended loads are prohibited. 

All vehicles have a “maximum passenger load” which is enforced vehemently.  To discourage possible overloading of vehicles, all factories offer free transportation for their employees via safe, air-conditioned busses.  All funeral and wedding processions offer the same.  It is required that every passenger riding in a vehicle have their own seat, including children and animals.  The overloading of vehicles is a safety hazard we recognize, condemn, and reject. 

Road conditions remain ideal throughout all times and seasons of the year.   Because longevity is our priority, the roads are constructed to endure heavy rainfall and other complications.  Any issues with the roads are addressed and repaired immediately in a safe and efficient manner. 

Motor bikes may carry a maximum of two passengers and 5 kilos of supplies, be that fruit or vegetables, chickens, glass, or furniture.  Both passengers are required to wear a safety approved, appropriate sized helmet that must be fastened at all times. 

Safety concerns have led to the ban of all phone and tablet use while driving.  Not only is talking on the phone prohibited, but our citizens have even taken the responsibility upon themselves to refrain from texting and listening to music while driving.  The only vehicles which allow any entertainment would be our well-maintained busses, in which we provide 24/7 free karaoke videos on maximum volume (for the hearing impaired).   

Lastly, everyone within the Kingdom, knows to NEVER use their headlights during the day.  This is a massive safety concern as the lights can distract other drivers, or even the traffic police, causing traffic accidents and possible mayhem on the streets.  Something we find truly despicable.  

Drive Safe and Smile!

If you ever need to curse someone…I have a detailed plan of action for you:

Have a moving sale in which you promise to hold items for people

(as long as they can pick up within a couple of days). 

Wait.

Patiently.

You will be bombarded within hours, minutes really.

Emails and phone calls.  Multiple texts.

It does not matter that you specifically stated “email or text please, no phone calls.”

Soon you will begin to receive emails demanding your physical address. 

Multiple emails. 

Along with those demands comes the questions:

Why don’t you answer your phone?  

Why doesn’t your phone ring?

Why didn’t you give us the address in the initial post?

Do not feel the need the need to respond to the ridiculousness.

The curse will come soon enough. 

Yes, your phone gets crappy reception at home and either does not ring or people can never hear you, so answering the phone inevitably causes more confusion. 

But do not feel like you have to explain yourself or be defensive, the forthcoming results will be taking care of everything for you.

It takes about three days for the curse to set in.

The people that promise to come on a certain day/time and do not will either forget you ever existed and suddenly stop checking their email and/or phone, or they will be cursed.   There will be numerous individuals that fall into each category. 

Sometimes you hear from the cursed hours before they have promised to show up, or merely minutes before.  Sometimes you hear from them after the terrible tragedy.  Yes, you have cleared your schedule so they can come get this item they just HAVE to have and are so incredibly excited for.  They insisted you hold it, they did not merely wish to come by to see the item.  They claimed it as their own. 

Here is when the cursed will explain to you how deeply sorry they are, but they will be unable to make it (and it is now you will begin to see the very tangible results):

***I got in a car accident and I cannot move.

***My home was broken into, we were robbed of literally everything we owned.

***My entire family is deathly ill.

***The in-laws made an unexpected visit, we are held up for two weeks.

***My phone was stolen and my money was stolen. I cannot buy anything.  

End of lesson.  

If interested, I can provide you the corresponding item requested with specific curse.