Monday, November 5, 2012

Healing Haven: An Orphanage, Stories from the Inside


Dara says:

I have lived here for six years.  My aunt brought me here in 2006.  She told me why, but my memories are hazy.  I think she said they (the people at the orphanage) would take care of me, feed me and pay for my education.  Some kids here say she just dropped me off so she could receive a small fee from the director.  Those same kids say I am an orphan, but I’m not sure what that is.  Either way, I miss her.  I would give anything to live with her again.  She is the only reminder I have of my family and my village.  My life before. 


When I first arrived, I was overwhelmed with fear.  I did not know anyone.  But in the midst of that terror, I felt a twinge of exhilaration.  The new place and new faces seemed much more exciting than my life at home.  The thrill faded almost immediately.  Every day I make a secret wish that it will be my last.    

Here, I live with many other children and a couple adults.  They say we are family, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.  Maybe whoever you live with is your family, but I thought people in a family took care of each other.  I thought families shared their food, and supported each other. 

The adults act strange.  They can never afford meat, or anything except a little rice.  At least that is what they say.  I guess it is difficult and expensive to take care of other people’s children.  But when visitors come, suddenly we get to have a giant feast.  It is like a wedding, there is food everywhere and plenty for everyone.  I always eat so much I feel sick.  I always try to save some of the baguette for later.   The adults are not nice either, except when the visitors come.  I am so happy when the visitors come because they play with me and teach me English.  They sing and dance and seem so happy.  They hug me and teach me things.  They always want to take photos with me and I am  now an expert photographer myself.  It makes them happy when they get to show me how to use their expensive cameras.  I always pretend like I do not know how so they can each show me, themselves.  Sometimes I feel like I hate them.  They always smile.  They wear nice clothes.   They always have shoes.  They own expensive things.  They are fat and healthy.  I feel so ashamed of myself and wish I could be them.   I smile at them even when I feel like I hate them.  I tell them I love them.  If not, I will be sorry. 

The visitors always say they feel so sorry for me and have come to help me.  I don’t know what they are talking about.  I usually enjoy eating and playing with the visitors.  They usually treat all of us children very kindly.  I hate when they leave.  I always stay in my room for the rest of the evening without dinner.  I cry and cry and wonder why I can’t have a family like that to live with.  Why can’t I eat enough food every day?  Why can’t I learn and go to school every day?  Why can’t I have fun and play every day?  I wonder what I did to deserve this? 

I would rather be hungry with my own family than hungry surrounded by strangers.



Thoughts from Theary:

Dear Mak,

I am trying to be brave for you.  I want to learn.  I try to study, but I have no time.  I always have to work.  I am so tired.  I am always coughing, always sick, and always hungry.  Secretly, I think they want me to be sick and hungry.   The people that tell us what to do look healthy and strong.  I know they have enough food to eat and a dry place to sleep. 

Then on certain days, we have guests.   When they come I have to pretend like I am happy here.  I have to call the people that tell us what to do “aunt” and “uncle”.  First they said I have to call them mother and father, but I cried and cried and would not do it.  I said you are my only mother, nobody else is my mother.   
The visitors usually have white skin.  At the beginning, they frightened me.  Now I know that when they come I can relax.  I will have a day off work.  I may even be the lucky one who receives a pair of shoes, a jump rope, or a book to practice my writing.   My “aunt” and “uncle” insist that I tell the visitors I am sick and ask for donations from them.  I should ask for donations for medicine, for food, and for school uniforms.  If I do not ask, I will not be allowed to eat anything the next day.  Initially, I did not like to ask, but now I am used to it.  I know exactly how to say it, I know what expression to have and to look them directly in the eyes and hold their gaze.  I have learned so much. 

You used to tell me I was your clever little baby.  Now I  am a clever big girl.  I know how to earn money myself, with only my words.  But I wish I could send the money to you. 

I feel like I would rather be dead than be here.      

Why did you leave me here?  When will you come visit me?
Your baby always,
Theary



A Note from Sovanny:

Da,

I don’t know how many days I have been here.  It’s so cold.  We sleep on there floor and the roof always leaks and drips water on me at night.  I have not been feeling well, but I have to smile anyway.  The bad man always yells at me or hits me when I don’t smile.  Everyday he says I should  be thankful to have a ******* roof over my head.  He says I do not appreciate all that he does for me.  But I do, I work so hard to stay clean, prepare delicious food, and keep the house clean.  I do everything just how you taught me. 

When people come to visit us, to bring food and teach us, we all have to wear long pants and long sleeves, so they cannot see our bruises.  We have to smile and play with them.  I hate when they come.  Every time someone visits, I get sadder and sadder because I know that I will have to be hungry and cold and get hit, again and again.  If they would just stay, I know everything would be ok.  I hate them for leaving me.
I miss you brother.  When can I come home?

Kisses,
Sovanny


Orphanages have become a profitable industry in Cambodia.  Unfortunately, the majority of children in Cambodian orphanages are not technically orphans at all.  They are in fact, being victimized, by a combination of things including the system, impoverished and uninformed parents, and a horde of well-intentioned but misguided voluntourists.  

It is incredibly easy to think only of oneself:  

  • To justify the need to feel good about yourself by volunteering, without ever researching the organization or understanding it's background/expertise/legitimacy/child safe policies, etc.
  • To simplify your thoughts and focus only on what you see, hear, and feel.  
  • To place your needs/wants/desires before the well-being, health, and safety of a child.   
Many people assume that just one more visit, or one more tourist will do no harm.  Please, think again. Every single person, every visit contributes to this exploitative and harmful issue.  It reinforces the practices.  It encourages the unethical behavior.  It causes more and more children (with families) to become "orphans".  Institutionalization is not the answer.  And encouraging this practice to continue is definitely not the answer.  Please research for yourself.  Seek out professional opinions, valid research, and truly consider how it could be good for any traumatized child to be exposed to strangers on a daily basis. Next time you hear someone mention going on a "life-changing" volunteering adventure at an orphanage, tell them to think again.   

See:
Myths and Realities about Orphanages in Cambodia via @Friends_INTL

Problems with Orphanages in Haiti and Cambodia

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