In preparation to move to or visit Southeast Asia…(or specifically Phnom Penh, Cambodia)

(This is a satire!!!)

Before departure:

You must acquire the highest quality, highest priced items available, such as…

A water purifier.  There is no clean water and no way to find truly “clean” water.  Never drink the water from any restaurant or vendor on the street.  Amoebas, cholera, parasites, dysentery, they will all attempt to hunt down and attack your pure and innocent imported body. 

A super high-end fancy back pack with all the gadgets.  As there is no transportation, you will obviously be walking everywhere…. 

Which of course leads me to your next priority—some serious hiking boots.  Make sure they are big and heavy and why not throw in some wool socks to keep your feet dry on all those endless hiking excursions. 

Your next purchase must be a large and fully stocked first aid kit.  As there are no uncontaminated medical supplies in your country of destination, you must come prepared for the worst.  You cannot rely on any medical clinics, nurses or doctors in SE Asia as every single one is unhygienic and staffed with “fake” physicians. 

You must, of course, bring an abundant supply of rain gear, as the people here grow up in the rain and are completely oblivious to it.  You will be unable to obtain rain jackets, ponchos, or umbrellas anywhere within the country. 

Other items VITAL to your existence but simply impossible to find outside of the “developed” world:

Insect repellant (unavailable for purchase)

Tank tops & shorts (you will wear 24/7)

Bikinis (you will wear 24/7)

TEVAS & KEENS (you will wear 24/7)

SUNGLASSES (unavailable for purchase)

Upon Arrival:

Keep to yourself, never put yourself out there.  Don’t talk to strangers, foreigner or local.  Everyone is truly out to get you.  They may seem friendly and trustworthy but don’t let your guard down.  They WILL scam you.  They WILL trick you.  They WILL cheat you.  If you appear lost and a stranger asks what you are looking for or what you need, avoid eye contact at ALL COSTS.  If you need to fill up a tire, take every precaution as the boys with the ‘little mechanic shops’ on the side of the road are never trustworthy.  Every last one of them is packing, if you know what I mean. 

Do not attempt to learn the language, even basic greetings and directions.  Not only is everyone fluent in English but you are truly a gift here by allowing people to practice their English.  Actually you are forcing the citizens to learn English in order to acquire and maintain your business.  This is, of course, better for everyone in the long run.  Why would you want to expand your horizons by learning a new language anyway, you are busy enough getting settled. 

My last piece of advice::  Only associate with fellow foreigners, specifically people from your home country.

Cambodia--Rules of the Road

In the Kingdom of Wonder, rules surrounding transportation are unfathomably strict.  The safety of the driver, any passengers, and of course pedestrians is always the main concern. 

Firstly, it is imperative that drivers stay on the correct side of the street and stay within their own lane.  Laws of the road are strongly enforced and infractions such as running a red light or a stop sign, or driving the wrong way on a one way (or driving the wrong way on a two way) are dealt with accordingly.  Anyone choosing to ignore these laws, will face a substantial fine and possibly incarceration, depending on the severity of the circumstance. 

Traffic police are everywhere, and because the city takes such thoroughly excellent care of them and their families, they do an exemplary job of maintaining order, especially within the city of Phnom Penh.  Here, you will never EVER encounter such atrocities as damaged or closed streets, drunk or angry drivers, accidents, overloading, or any form of disrespect on the road. 

Speaking of drunk drivers, any driver not in an obviously aware and clear state of mind will be tested.  If he or she fails to pass the test, the driver’s vehicle will be confiscated, and he or she will be escorted either home or to serve mandatory jail time.  We do not take these issues lightly here in Cambodia.  Anyone disregarding this law will “think before drinking,” smoking, snorting, or injecting in the future. 

Everyone is treated equally.  In the case of an accident, there is a thorough and speedy investigation.  The driver at fault ALWAYS remains at the scene until the issue is resolved.  Compensation is fair and based solely on the fault of the driver, no other conditions affect the result (specifically not the condition of the vehicle or apparent wealth of the individuals involved). 

All vehicles must be in tip top shape to maintain the respect and credibility due the government and the Kingdom.  All vehicles must pass a rigorous emissions test bi-annually.  Air quality is of utmost concern in our progressive Kingdom.  Vehicles must be in working order, specifically working headlights, taillights and brake lights, to ensure safety for everyone.   There is a height and width maximum all vehicles must pass to drive within the city.  Extended loads are prohibited. 

All vehicles have a “maximum passenger load” which is enforced vehemently.  To discourage possible overloading of vehicles, all factories offer free transportation for their employees via safe, air-conditioned busses.  All funeral and wedding processions offer the same.  It is required that every passenger riding in a vehicle have their own seat, including children and animals.  The overloading of vehicles is a safety hazard we recognize, condemn, and reject. 

Road conditions remain ideal throughout all times and seasons of the year.   Because longevity is our priority, the roads are constructed to endure heavy rainfall and other complications.  Any issues with the roads are addressed and repaired immediately in a safe and efficient manner. 

Motor bikes may carry a maximum of two passengers and 5 kilos of supplies, be that fruit or vegetables, chickens, glass, or furniture.  Both passengers are required to wear a safety approved, appropriate sized helmet that must be fastened at all times. 

Safety concerns have led to the ban of all phone and tablet use while driving.  Not only is talking on the phone prohibited, but our citizens have even taken the responsibility upon themselves to refrain from texting and listening to music while driving.  The only vehicles which allow any entertainment would be our well-maintained busses, in which we provide 24/7 free karaoke videos on maximum volume (for the hearing impaired).   

Lastly, everyone within the Kingdom, knows to NEVER use their headlights during the day.  This is a massive safety concern as the lights can distract other drivers, or even the traffic police, causing traffic accidents and possible mayhem on the streets.  Something we find truly despicable.  

Drive Safe and Smile!

People and Places

Today I was pondering the parallels between places and relationships. 

When you first step foot into a new country the surroundings are surreal: 

The faces new and somehow innocent. 

The landscape enthralling, “like nothing ever seen before.”  Every palm tree is unique and perfect.  The sky is the bluest you have seen.

The fruit…you cannot even describe the colors, the smells, the taste. 

Everything around appears so fresh and pure.  It is almost too good to be true.  You have yet to notice the giant cockroaches, the begging children, the armies (we are talking Red Army here) of ants taking over, the numerous fellows who appear to assume that the side of the road is a toilet (wonder what would happen if I assumed as well), and the “could be oh so beautiful” beaches littered with plastic bags, syringes, dead creatures, etc.  

You scoff at others’ discomforts, mock safety concerns, and admonish them for their negativity. 

You know what I’m talking about right—infatuation. 

Then you begin to wonder about little things... 

What makes that banana so small? 

Why isn’t this language tonal? 

Why are there different levels of sampeahs? 

What causes the monsoon?

Why does everyone always smile?

Does everyone in the world love rice?

Why do I need to remove my shoes?

Why do they use the US dollar?

Silly things. 

Then you consider the bigger issues.  The cultural norms that differ so greatly from your own.  Differences in gender roles, in parenting styles, and in beliefs and morals.  Your mind is not quite so open as it was previously.  You still want to learn, but your attitude has gained a little superiority.  You politely offer “well, this is how we do it,” while thinking “and it works for us so why don’t you try it out?”  You quietly contemplate all the reasons their way is “wrong” and yours is “right.” 

You really begin to get to know the place.  You meet people, you learn their stories and discover their passions.  It is enthralling to learn about life in another culture.  

The learning, or discovery stage.  

Then you have a negative experience.  

Whether it’s a stolen laptop, getting clipped by drunken and clueless Lexus, or hearing a story about a “local little girl” that tears your heart out piece by piece, you realize everything is not as it first appears.  At least not for us doe-eyed optimists. 

Ya, we’ve all been there—time to weigh out your options, right?  Should I head somewhere that is cleaner, maybe without any travel warnings? 

Some choose to  leave after this experience.  Unfortunately the negative taste will probably remain with them, influencing their stories and blog posts for years to come.  Maybe it’s for the best.  I say it is always worthwhile to tough it out.  Rainbows come after the rain, right?  Not before and not during. 

There are seasons.  Weeks and months of excitement and discovery.  Days of dreariness and not much hope.  Sometimes you look around and see only trash and beggars, other times you see only smiling sweepers.  

I could go on…but will keep it simple.

If we can get past the infatuation and find truth, it will be a worthwhile venture.  Reality is not always picture perfect, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's ugly.  But it is always worth the journey.

Every place has its own quirks as every place has its own beauty.  Maybe certain places aren’t for all of us.  But we, who get to discover new places and truly learn about their histories, and their people, with open minds, are incredibly lucky. 

Ya it’s cheesy, but just like in relationships the enchantment will fade.  Reality will set in.  Don’t forget to look for the goodness.  It is always there.  And it is sure to outlast all of the corruption, racism, hatred, and negativity.  

Relaxing Sunday in Cambodia

Breathe some fresh air, right across the river from Phnom Penh!  

Just ten minutes on the ferry (from NagaWorld).

Rent a bike, grab some water, and prepare to hear a thousand and one smiling children call HELLOOOO.

Sovann Smiles, While Surrounded by Ignorant Half-Naked Barang

I've been a tuk-tuk driver for eight years now.  It seems every year more foreigners come to my country, some to visit and some to live.  A few of them are like family to me now.  I see them often, we share meals, we visit my homeland together, I know about their lives and they know about mine.  However, the many others are the ones I want to tell you about.  Yes, I appreciate the income when they hire me.  But sometimes I wonder, do they have any idea how utterly ridiculous they appear?

What I see: 

Scandalous women everywhere, they come in hordes.  They are oblivious to the world around them.  They do not dress appropriately or act like good women.  I hope my daughters do not get used to seeing women dress like that and think it is normal.  I tell them it is not acceptable for respectable young ladies to dress in that manner. 

People who have time for only themselves.  Why do they all walk around with their headphones blaring?  We are real people, with stories to tell, lives to live, families to support.  Do people intentionally ignore the world that is around them or do they simply not want to see?  Are they afraid someone is going to jump out and bite them?  Do they think we are snakes, looking for our next victim?

Unkept foreigners with baggy clothes and messy hair, touting their LP or some other guide book.  Assuming they know it all because they came armed and "prepared" with the latest, relevant information.  They have the craziest clothes, why do people wear those skimpy tank tops and short shorts?  Are they trying to get dengue fever?  Or are they trying to turn their skin brown?  Either way, they do not seem to have much common sense. 

People with such a sense of entitlement.  Why are people who have so much so demanding?  Why do they insist on things a certain way?  If you can’t handle one ant crawling on your arm, take a taxi.  If you need to be somewhere at exactly 4 p.m., you may want to leave earlier next time.  Please don’t yell at me because of the condition of the road, the fact that it’s raining, or the insane traffic.  I have no control over these things.  This is life.  What kind of life do you have that you can afford to become so angry about such mundane issues?

What I hear: 

Oh, I hear the funniest things.  People think they are so clever or so knowledgeable because they are from the “developed” world.  You cannot imagine the pity and “compassion” we involuntarily experience.  People look at us with pity in their eyes, while criticizing our government, our history, our very identities.  Do they even know how ludicrous their words sound?  Sure I smile, offer them a ride, surprise them with my English.  But inside, I am constantly rolling my eyes, thinking “get a clue.”

What I really enjoy is when foreigners decide to “educate” me about my own country.  Oh yes, they inevitably know more about our history, our government, our economy, and our language.  They get offended if I cannot understand their rubbish attempt of the Khmer language.  I always smile, thank, and praise them.  I insist their Khmer is the best I have ever heard.  Even though I have no idea what they are saying, shouldn’t I be offended? 

These foreigners also attempt to educate me about social issues in my country.  They tell me I must look out for certain people, in order to protect my family.  They throw all kinds of information at me about sanitation and pollution.  They tell me it’s dirty and unsafe here.  They are filled with pride for their own country, and yet fail to recognize I may have pride as well.  They treat us like their own little punching bags, insult upon insult.  My pride carries me through one day to the next, it enables to put up with one more foreigner.  This pride is what I know will carry us into the future. 

Weekly, I am given the amazing “blessing” and opportunity of learning a few new words of English.  These foreigners are so happy to engage with a “local” and teach a poor Cambodian some English.  The idiots never realize they are teaching me words I already know.  But hey, I have learned to go along with whatever makes them feel good about themselves.  Because then they are more likely to tip me or use my tuk-tuk again. 

What I know:

My people are strong.  They are clever.  My family works together.  We support one another.  We do not flit about the world, on vacation, or pretending to help everyone else.  My country is courageous, it is filled with overcomers.  You can read all your guidebooks, you can watch documentaries, you can visit us with a heart overflowing with pity, but why are you really here?  If you do not care about learning from us, about improving yourself, about being calm and mindful, about making friends that you actually spend time with, I wish you would just send your money and stay home.  I never asked for your pity.  It is not “helping” anyone.

Silk farm

Soft yellow cocoons
 Tucked safely away from monsoons

Perfect threads and vibrant colors
Flawless patterns, so much to discover

Born with a purpose obvious, concrete

A life to envy, short but complete

Temple Exploration