In preparation to move to or visit Southeast Asia…(or specifically Phnom Penh, Cambodia)

(This is a satire!!!)

Before departure:

You must acquire the highest quality, highest priced items available, such as…

A water purifier.  There is no clean water and no way to find truly “clean” water.  Never drink the water from any restaurant or vendor on the street.  Amoebas, cholera, parasites, dysentery, they will all attempt to hunt down and attack your pure and innocent imported body. 

A super high-end fancy back pack with all the gadgets.  As there is no transportation, you will obviously be walking everywhere…. 

Which of course leads me to your next priority—some serious hiking boots.  Make sure they are big and heavy and why not throw in some wool socks to keep your feet dry on all those endless hiking excursions. 

Your next purchase must be a large and fully stocked first aid kit.  As there are no uncontaminated medical supplies in your country of destination, you must come prepared for the worst.  You cannot rely on any medical clinics, nurses or doctors in SE Asia as every single one is unhygienic and staffed with “fake” physicians. 

You must, of course, bring an abundant supply of rain gear, as the people here grow up in the rain and are completely oblivious to it.  You will be unable to obtain rain jackets, ponchos, or umbrellas anywhere within the country. 

Other items VITAL to your existence but simply impossible to find outside of the “developed” world:

Insect repellant (unavailable for purchase)

Tank tops & shorts (you will wear 24/7)

Bikinis (you will wear 24/7)

TEVAS & KEENS (you will wear 24/7)

SUNGLASSES (unavailable for purchase)

Upon Arrival:

Keep to yourself, never put yourself out there.  Don’t talk to strangers, foreigner or local.  Everyone is truly out to get you.  They may seem friendly and trustworthy but don’t let your guard down.  They WILL scam you.  They WILL trick you.  They WILL cheat you.  If you appear lost and a stranger asks what you are looking for or what you need, avoid eye contact at ALL COSTS.  If you need to fill up a tire, take every precaution as the boys with the ‘little mechanic shops’ on the side of the road are never trustworthy.  Every last one of them is packing, if you know what I mean. 

Do not attempt to learn the language, even basic greetings and directions.  Not only is everyone fluent in English but you are truly a gift here by allowing people to practice their English.  Actually you are forcing the citizens to learn English in order to acquire and maintain your business.  This is, of course, better for everyone in the long run.  Why would you want to expand your horizons by learning a new language anyway, you are busy enough getting settled. 

My last piece of advice::  Only associate with fellow foreigners, specifically people from your home country.